Nov. 9th, 2013

And now it's time for drunken late-night blogging. Just watched Lockout. Hilariously bad movie. Lots of great one-liners. But lots of cliched characters, drawing on standard racist/sexist stock. If you can drink yerself past that bit, then it's pretty good fun.

This last couple weeks have been really good. Couple things happened. First: formed a new circle of friends online. Super awesome people. Hopefully they'll think I'm cool, in time. More than just finding cool people, this really drove home how socially isolated I've been since leaving Portland. I had so many different circles there. Since leaving, well, there's a reason I'd fled the east coast in the first place; and I never expected this segment of the midwest to be nearly so bad. All my extended family are from the midwest, but a different state, so I thought I knew what I was getting into. Oh how little did I know. Then again, maybe this is like traveling to foreign countries: there's a big difference between a few weeks visit and actually living there... Anyways, yeah, good people. That's always nice. Though it's so sad that they're all online, and so widely spread around the country.

Second: I feel like I've broken through a wall. It's been just about exactly six months now since starting HRT. I noticed lots of changes in the first few months, but the last couple months it's felt like I hit some sort of plateau. Felt a bit like the testosterone-fueled brain-stupid was coming back. Then, a couple days ago or so: wham! The gears fit into place, and everything started rolling again, faster than before. Whatever it is, it's been wonderful. But now I'm hesitant—

See, originally, when I started everything, I'd been hoping to be able to set T-day for sometime around the newyear; start that RLE with the new semester. But then, as the plateau feeling came on, I figured I wouldn't have a chance of passing until the summer break sometime; so, dejectedly, that became the new plan. But now, now I'm impatient. I just want the damn lie done with, want T-day asap. Of course, "asap" is gonna hafta mean after the semester ends; so winter break, just like the original plan. But can I make that work? Or rather, how can I make that work? Cuz this waiting is killin me.

Also, I seem to be developing a crush on one of my coworkers. Alas, they're taken; and I don't think the relationship is poly/open. Oh you silly teenage hormones. You gonna get me in trouble.


please ;)

And now, the sober morning after, I'm left again with the feeling that there's no way I could have T-day during winter break. Sigh.


Nov. 9th, 2013 11:12 pm

On monday I will be sending my parents The Letter. Although I've come out to many people over the past six months, this letter has been the hardest one to write. For everyone else, I know what to say. For friends: they already knew (to varying degrees). For colleagues: I can keep things formal, business like, just the necessary facts. But parents...

All throughout my childhood, my father had severe anger management issues. After being diagnosed with diabetes, that's basically gone away. But, the other thing is he has a strong vein of homophobia. It's not that he hates gays exactly; rather, he has a long history of making intolerant jokes and otherwise displaying his internalization of the homophobia rampant in society. When telling stories about the gay coworkers he's had, the caricatures he draws are extremely offensive and belie his inability to see them as wholly deserving of respect.

As for my mother, oh where to begin? She's extremely passive aggressive. The only way she knows of to interact with the world is through passive aggression. She can't help but to throw barbs and quills, even in the most kindly discussion. Well over a decade ago I legally changed my name, and I'd been going by [real name] for a few years before that. Every single member of my family respects this and has switched to calling me by my name— with the marked exception of my mother. Every time we talk, she makes a point of "accidentally" using my dead name, of refusing to acknowledge that I had never accepted that name, even before discovering my true name. My father accepts it, even in her presence. My aunts and uncles accept it, even the ones I don't talk to often. My grandmother accepts it; iirc, she was the first to accept it. I love my grandma. But no, my mother has chosen to take every chance she can to deny my agency and personal identity.

To top it off, years ago something cracked and she dove headlong into christianity. She's always been christian, mind; but she used to listen to popular music, have friends outside of church, etc. Now, it's only church groups and christian rock and bible quotes and all that shit.

So yeah. I have to be very explicit about setting the boundaries here. And yet, I must figure out how to do so in a way that doesn't come across as extremely rude. While I'm not dependent on them in any way, and would be fine with them disowning me (again); naturally, it'd be nice if they were willing to accept me for who I am. Moreover, I must be sure not to give my mother any wiggle room for denying the truth, nor any ammunition for her passive aggression.

Wish me luck.



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